Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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