I could have mohawked her pubes.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
