Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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