u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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