i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
