Your face is a jimmy john
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
COCAINE IS GR8
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
