just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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