Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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