the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
