i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
