Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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