totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
