Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
