Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
