i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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