I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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