if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize