so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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