Cold hands, warm shart.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Your cock deserves a montage
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
