you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
