why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
