I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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