By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Two words: nipple clamps
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