mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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