my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
