You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
