just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
