I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
