but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
