I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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