i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
