i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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