You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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