im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
