i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
