fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
