My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
