time to smoke my breakfast
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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