Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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