you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
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I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
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I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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