final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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