I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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