dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
