I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
This can only be settled by a dance off.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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