Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
