dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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