We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
