Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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