I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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