I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
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Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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