He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i want to swaddle you in tequila
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
