I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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