Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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