I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
